How do i Get Out of Domestic Abuse

Right, so we have discussed Domestic Abuse. Did it have you thinking?
I know that alot of you may be experiencing this and afraid to speak up. Trust me, You are not alone!!!

As much as we are ashamed or afraid, you need to get out of the situation!!!
Let me show you some of the effects of Domestic Violence again :

Domestic Violence leads to

• Suicidal attempts or death

• Low self-esteem

• Inability to properly take care of your kids or other dependant family members, causing the splitting of families

• It causes you to be unable to perform at work, which can lead to unemployment

• Failure to communicate with relatives, friends or coworkers

• Drug addiction/alcohol abuse

• Physical or emotional disability

• Increased risk of harm or miscarriage during pregnancy

Domestic Violence not only affects you, but it affects your kids in the long run, as children who grow up witnessing violence may become victims or/and abusers themselves. (this has been scientifically proven)

Once again! Do not! believe that you are the cause of the abuse or that you deserve to be abused!!!! Neither, do not believe that you are causing the person to react in such violent manner!
Abusers stem from traumas that would have occurred in the Abuser`s past, something to which you would have had no prior knowledge, nor control in shaping!!! But you can however stop it!!!

If you are being abused in Trinidad, you can call 999 for help. 

If you have been abused and is seeking to get out, contact 800- SAVE (Domestic Hotline)

Please note that your information will remain highly confidential and anonymous. So do not worry about people finding out or discriminating against you.

You can also contact the victim and witness support unit for help @ 624-8853

And please remember, you are not your circumstances! God will turn your test, into a powerful, motivating testimony!

Sex

According to Meston and Buss (2007), despite the shared biology that underlies sexual motivation, reasons for having sex range from getting closer to God, to "getting my boyfriend to shut up!" hahahahhahahahahahaha.

With that being said, on a more positive note, lol, Psychologists have associated and compared sex to food, as they both depend on internal physiological factors of satisfaction.
According to Psychology Today, sex is part of what makes us human. It fosters sensual pleasure, enjoyment, excitement, and other earthly desires of the flesh.
But did you know that it is psychologically proven to lessen alienation, isolation and loneliness? It also creates a peaceful afterglow of relaxation following orgasms.

Now these aren`t my words eh! 😂 Infact, psychosexual theorist, Sigmund Freud, pointed out that sex reminds us that we are passionate creatures, motivated and driven by primitive, irrational forces operating just below the surface of civilization and rationality far more powerful than our puny little egos.
 So when your partner asks, dont think of sex as a bad thing. 

Let me show you some additional benefits of sex in a relationship/ marriage: 

• Physically, sex can produce a more youthful look. Research has shown that sex is also an exercise, and as such burns calories, and contributes to a healthier lifestyle. Sex also releases tension in the veins of the brain.
• Sex strengthens the muscles of both male and female, thus acting as a sport. 
• Sex can be used as an antidepressant, as it releases endorphins into the bloodstream and creates a state of euphoria. 

• Sex has been medically proven to produce better sleeping habits. Oxytocin which is released following an orgasm, creates a stronger immune system, as well as through the brain, can reduce heart problems, and can assist in helping with pain. 

• For women, gynecologists have proven that frequent sex leads to a lighter period and less cramps during your menstruation. 

Please note that this topic was requested, as persons found their partners viewed sex as a bad thing in a relationship, so hope the information was beneficial. 😊

Depression

Millions of people around the world suffer from this mental disorder, yet still we tend to ignore it😞 why is that?
Well let me first explain what is depression. Depression is a medical illness that negatively affects the way we think, feel and act. It can take the form of minor to major depression, seasonal affective disorder, dysthymia, and bipolar disorder. Depression causes one to feel sad, lonely, unable to concentrate, loss of interest in a lot of activities, isolation, and also physical problems like loss of appetite leading to diseases such as anorexia and bulimia, and so much more.

Now dont get scared. lol Depression can be cured!. 

First let us seek to determine if you suffer from depression. Tick the following: 

• Do you often feel sad or in frequent depressed moods?
• Do you experience a grave loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed?
• Have you noticed major changes in your appetite unrelated to dieting?
• Do you experience problems to sleep or you`ve been oversleeping recently?
• Have you experienced increased fatigue?
• Do you feel like you`ve developed a loss of energy?
• Do you often feel worthless, purposeless, or guilty?
• Do you experience difficult, concentrating, thinking or always indecisive?
• Do you experience frequent thoughts of suicide or death?

NB: In order for your symptoms to be classed as depression, they must last for at least two (2) weeks

Ok so as we said, depression can be treated. Here are some tips :

• Therapy- therapy is one of the best remedies for mild to moderate depression. In Trinidad there is an Association for Psychologists, whereby you can access therapeutic services. The info is as follows :  Telephone (702-0232), Email (secretary@psychologytt.org) , Postal Address (P.O Box 887, 92Wrightson Road, Pos). Also for students, most highschools and tertiary level institutions provide counselling services. Please forget about peer pressure and do it for your own benefit!!! I myself attended counselling at UWI. Without counselling/ therapy, I would not have been able to cope with the workload. And please note that School Psychologists do not only focus on Education, they treat with other personal issues as well. 
• Antidepressants - these can be both prescribed medication or self-motivating activities. 
• Psychiatry - for more severe cases of depression, a therapist may refer you to a Psychiatrist, who will be able to prescribe medication for you. Also included in this is electroconvulsive therapy for persons suffering from bipolar disorder. 
• Self Help - for the persons afraid to seek external help, you can try self help. This is done through discipline. One can exercise regularly as exercise helps create positive emotions and healthy well being. Try to get at least (8) hours sleep a day, this way the body will get enough rest and have your mind relaxed, and for the oversleepers it will help control the amount of sleep, this way alleviating the constant tiredness you may feel from over sleeping. 
  

Physical Abuse

Under this category we are going to target sexual assault/ rape. Another sensitive topic, and one of the hardest to recover from. Within the past few months in Trinidad, if yall have been listening to the news, you would notice that every week there`s an incident of rape, especially amongst kids and young adults. And who do we later hear were the perpetrators? A family member, not so?
If you or someone you know is being sexually assaulted, please report it. Here i am going to tell you why.

Research has shown that approximately 1 out of every 5-6 women suffer from sexual assault. Did you hear what i just said????? Thats a wholeeeee lot! And to make it worse, 60% are not reported. Why?
The impacts of sexual assault goes way beyond what the mere eyes can see. Persons who suffer such trauma develop grave insecurities and mistrust. Moreso, victims and family members blame themselves for what happened. So before we go further, let me tell you now, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!. It may feel like the end of the world, but alot of women who have reported it and gotten help, have overcome it and gotten married and have families. It is not going to be an easy journey, but it will profit you.
Always remember that you`re not alone and your feelings of helplessness, shame, defect, depression, etc, are normal reactions to traumatic experiences. When a traumatic experience occurs, your mind represses the memory into the unconscious of your mind. This way when any future events occur that have similarities to your past trauma, the emotions and memories play back in your mind.

We know just thinking about the assault makes you feel dirty and weak and make you afraid to speak out as persons may judge. You may even think that if you dont talk about it, then it didn't happen. False!! By not speaking out, the emotions are repressed and will keep reoccurring, thus making the long term coping mechanism harder.

Here are some ways to get help:

1. Get help – reach out to someone you trust to talk about the incident that occurred. We know after the assault you may feel like you can’t trust anyone. If that is the case, Trinidad has a rape hotline. The information is as follows : The Rape Crisis Society of Trinidad and Tobago (RCS)
   North office: Port of Spain - 24 Hour Hotline (868) 627-7273
   South office: San Fernando - 24 Hour Hotline (868) 657-5355
2. Be active – By doing this, it will help your mind focus on positive factors. You can join a support group, do charity, etc. By helping other people, it will provide a sense of empowerment and accomplishment, thus helping with the depression or isolation.
3. Justice – make sure and report the incident so that justice is served. If it happened to you, it can happen to others. Don’t be afraid to identify the rapist and testify in court. If you don’t want to be identified on news or papers, simply let the judicial bodies know so they can restrict the access of the press during court.
4. Repressed Memories – prepare yourself for flashbacks. As I mentioned before about repressed memories being stored in our unconscious, our body becomes hyper sensitive, and will react to the smallest stimuli that relates to the trauma. You may also have nightmares. In order to prevent these from developing into post traumatic disorders, observe and be mindful of the things and places that trigger the memory, you may also experience dizziness, racing heartbeats, hot flashes and racing thoughts. When you notice any of these listed above, try to calm yourself. Something as simple as controlling your breathing through deep breaths in and holding for a few seconds, then out your mouth, helps.
5. Reassurance – reassure yourself that the trauma is over. This is just a flashback, but it is not reality. Think positively, and eventually you will be able to overcome it.
6. Exercise – physical exercise also relaxes the mind. Yoga as well is a great relaxant.  

Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse, the one we tend to ignore because we cant see any physical marks from it. But did you know that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse? Do you also know that if left unaddressed can pose more harm than physical abuse? wow. 

So what is emotional abuse? 
One definition of emotional abuse is: "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth and self esteem of an individual . 

Emotional abusers have the same signs and symptoms as a physical abuser, just without the physical harm or attacks. Their tactic is to tug at your emotions to make you feel weak, vulnerable, worthless, thus gaining power and control. 

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, be it spouse or family members, seek counselling. Parents also be cognizant of emotionally abusing your kids as this stays with them and sometimes the feelings are repressed, later causing just as much damage as a rape or trauma victim. 

Some common signs to look out for to know if you`re being emotionally abused are: 
   . They tend to have very low self-esteem, especially persons who use to have high confidence
    .  They tend to have a lot of mood swings, personality changes, unsure of their emotions, become isolated from friends, loved ones, family, etc
    . They become depressed, suffer from anxiety, and are sometimes suicidal. 

Recognizing Domestic Violence

So before i begin, let me draw a scenario, so you can conceptualize before we delve into the topic. 

Your significant other comes home with a bouquet of flowers, you feel happy, get all dressed up in something sexy, brings his dinner n sits with him. Your phone buzzes. A message from your girlfriends perhaps? The entire mood changes. Your bf/ husband starts to quarrel, not checking to even see who the message came from, you try to explain, he shuts you up with a punch to the face. You start crying. So he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying you`re having an affair with someone. Trying to justify his action. He then acts contrite, reassuring you that he will not hurt you again, you made him do it. He tries to reassure you by giving you money to get something nice as his form of apology to convince you it was a mistake. Then when you go to the store, get yourself something nice, on your way home you`re caught in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting you again because "You're having an affair with the store clerk." and so the cycle continues. ......

So what is domestic violence? Domestic Violence is physical abuse directed by a family member or spouse (Giddens, 2009).

Still uncertain? How do i know for sure i am being abused? Many women often deny the fact that they or being abused, are not knowledgeable of the topic, or simply are afraid to speak out.
So let me show you the signs of an abusive spouse:

EXTERNAL FACTORS:

Ø  Does your partner belittle, criticize, humiliate or yell at you?

Ø  Does he frequently try to control you?

Ø  Does he treat you so bad at times that you`re afraid to let your family or friends see?

Ø  Does he ignore or put down your opinions, and doesn’t appraise your accomplishments?

Ø  Does he blame you when he ill treats you?

Ø  Does he have an uncontrollable, spontaneous or bad temper?

Ø  Has he ever threatened, hurt or tried to kill you ?

Ø  Does he threaten to take your kids away from you?

Ø  Does he sometimes destroy your belongings?

Ø  Is he always jealous at simple things that you have no control over?

Ø  Does he try to/ controls where you go, who you go with or what you do?

Ø  Does he find excuses to keep you from seeing your friends or family?

I

 If you`ve experienced any of these signs or most, if not all of these signs, more than likely you are in an abusive relationship and its time to get out!!!!!

Still not convinced? Lets look at how you feel in an abusive relationship: 

Ø  Do you feel fearful of your partner?

Ø  Do you feel like you`re walking on eggshells when your partner is around?

Ø  Do you always have to watch what you say or do infront of him to ensure he doesn’t have another “blow up” or because you don’t want to aggravate him?

Ø  Do you sometimes feel as if nothing you do is never good enough, or you cant do anything right for your partner?

Ø  Do you ever feel as if you deserve to be mistreated, because he`s made you feel that way?

Ø  Do you ever wonder if you`re the crazy one or the one who causes him to make you unhappy and hurt you?

No one deserves to feel like this in a relationship. A relationship is supposed to make you feel happy, make you want to spend every minute of the day with that special someone, want to touch them intimately, want to treat them good... Abuse is not love!!!!!

Abuse can cause long term health issues, physical harm, emotional trauma, suicide, and soooo many more negative impacts.

Abuse also quite often leads to death!!!!!!!!

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, read my next blog to find out how to get help for domestic abuse, or how to get out!!!!!

Abuse

Ok so we`ve touched a sensitive topic that can span into many different types. Here we will provide an insight of what exactly is abuse. In later discussions, we will focus on the different types of abuse, individually.
So what is abuse?????? Abuse can be defined as the improper usage or treatment of something or someone, to unfairly or improperly gain perceived benefit or satisfaction. Abuse can be categorized or take many different forms from physical, emotional, verbal, rape, crime, aggression, domestic violence, substance abuse (alcohol, drugs), and so much more.

How do we identify or know abuse?

•  Bullies
•  Always needy with unrealistic expectations
•  Talk down at you
•  Always jealous
•  Punishment when nothing wrong was done
•  Hypersensitive and Aggressive

As i said before, abuse takes many different form that will be addressed categorically. However, a common factor to note is that all abusers, no matter it be physical, or emotional abuse, share similar characteristics. Thus some common signs to note are:
     

• Abusers blame the victim. As we said before, abusers never believe that what they do is wrong. So how can you get help without first identifying you have a problem?

• Violence often stems from verbal abuse.

• Abuse, no matter what type, damages your self-esteem and affects many areas of your life later on.

• The abuser feels the need to be always right and in control at all times.

• The abuser is possessive and may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.

• The abuser is hypersensitive and may react with rage.

• Victims of abuse tend to become substance abusers as they resort to drugs or alcohol to help alleviate the stressor at hand. (temporary satisfaction)

Check out my other blogs for more information and how to get help with abuse.